Talking Through the Tough Stuff: A Script for Speaking Gently
Finding the right words can be hard, especially when the conversation feels heavy. Let’s break it down.
For as long as we've existed, humans have given voice to thought through speech. To speak aloud is one of the oldest rituals of being human. We converse for so many reasons — to transmit information, share stories, express feelings, or to simply seek connection with others. So, why is it so hard sometimes?
I’m sure I could give you a laundry list of reasons why or discuss how it’s a skill tied to emotional intelligence that very few of us are taught, but let’s keep that part of our brain quiet for a moment and tune into the emotions instead.
It’s hard because, well, like walking through the fog, we just know it’s not easy and there is no clear path sometimes — it just is.
We fear hurting someone, being vulnerable, feeling misunderstood, being rejected, shamed or made to feel guilty. We might even just get stuck in logistical anxiety and wonder, “when is the best time, or how do I start?”
If we don’t feel a sense of emotional safety it can feel nearly impossible to begin, and not knowing how the other person will respond only increases fear and anxiety, particularly when there’s a power imbalance or specific cultural or social expectations.
And then there’s always the risk that what you have to say could incite conflict, and conflict can be scary. I’d be remiss not to mention that when we give voice to our feelings, it brings them to life. You can’t take back what’s already been said.
“Words have no power to impress the mind without the exquisite horror of their reality.” --Virginia Woolf, The Waves
Where to begin…
As noted in the title, it’s ideal to prioritize a gentle approach to difficult or uncomfortable conversations.
The Gottman’s (The Gottman Institute) might even refer to this as a ‘soft startup,’ which they use as a guide to help couples understand the need for gentle entries into difficult or conflictual conversations. The contrast to this would be a ‘harsh startup.’ This is plagued with criticism and negative emotions.
Gottman’s research into couple’s communication found that the first three minutes of a 15-minute conflict discussion can be used to predict divorce and relationship stability with stunning accuracy (Carrere & Gottman, 1999).
This gives us insight into how we might approach conversations with others too, not just our partners. On it’s face, it seems obvious that if we start a conversation with negative emotions, hostility or criticism, it may not go well.
Although obvious to us when we’re in our sound mind, it might not be that easy when we’re worked up or feeling a strong emotion such as worry. So, what might a gentle engagement look like? Here are some examples:
“I’m wondering if you’re in a place for me to share something that’s been on my mind?” or “I’d like to talk through something that’s bothering me — do you have a few minutes?” — you’re letting them know you’ve got something to share but you’re also being intentional about timing.
“Do you have space to talk about something kind of heavy I’ve been feeling lately?” or “There’s something I’d like to get your thoughts on that’s been difficult for me to carry. When are you free?” — again, you’re letting them know you’re experiencing something you’d like to share but you want them to feel a sense of control over when they have the emotional space to hear it.
“Hey, we haven’t connected in a while and there’s been a lot going on — are you free for coffee and a chat later?” or “I’ve made some decisions about things in my life that I’d love to share with you.” — you’re letting them know you have things to say and are hoping to connect.
In the midst of…
Once the conversation’s been broached, it’s still important to keep gentleness in mind. You’ve potentially overcome anxiety, fear, or vulnerability in starting the conversation, so what’s next?
I’m going to break this into two parts, one for the speaker, one for the listener. As the speaker, you might do everything “right” to set the stage for a vulnerable and satisfactory conversation, but the listener plays a crucial role in the outcome too.
As a listener it’s important not to engage in a difficult or heavy conversation if you’re not in the emotional space to do so — if you’re tired, preoccupied, fatigued, distracted. When approached, be honest about where you’re at — you want the speaker to have the best chance of feeling seen and heard, and part of that responsibility falls to you — take it seriously.
Speaker — talk honestly about yourself and be clear. Something like, “I’ve been feeling really depressed lately and I’m struggling to use my coping skills or reach out for help” versus “Ugh, I just can’t do anything.” — this is a great starting place, but don’t let it be where you stop. What does “can’t do anything" mean? — be as clear as possible, no matter how long it takes.
If you’re speaking about something relational —
Steer clear of blame and criticism. Vocalize your feelings, not what you assume about the other person or their feelings. For example, “I felt uncomfortable when the topic of our divorce came up at the holiday party last night” versus “I can’t believe you brought up our divorce at the holiday party, how inconsiderate of you!” Here’s another one, “I’m having a hard time with how late you’ve been getting home these last two weeks. It makes me feel like we (the family) aren’t important to you” versus “can you be on time for once this week? You act like you don’t have a watch or know how to use one.”
If you’re making a request —
Be as clear as possible about your needs and what kind of help you’re hoping for, without creating discomfort or tension for the listener. “I’m hoping you can help me work out some options for employment and spend some time going over my pros and cons list” versus “I know you won’t want to, but can you help me with this jobs stuff?” — don’t cause them to feel obligated through guilt, and clarify what help you’re needing.
If it’s an emotional request —
It might look like this, “are you able to spend more one-on-one time with me after work some evenings this week, I’m feeling lonely and disconnected lately” versus being allusive about their schedule or how they spend their time, “when are you home on Thursday night?” or “are you busy this week?” — don’t hint at or undermine your own needs with vague language.
I understand in many of these examples, I'm assuming the speaker can identify their feelings and vocalize them. I know this isn’t everyone’s experience and part of why we resort to these other methods might be because we struggle with identifying what we feel and why.
If this is the case for you, it’s okay not to know — simply communicate it. “I’m feeling bothered about something from the other night but I’m not sure what is it or why. Can we talk about it?”
Just because you don’t have clarity doesn’t meant you can’t or shouldn’t talk about it. This is the great thing about relationships, it’s in relation to another human that we uncover and discover things about ourselves!
So, still express you’re feeling something and need to chat, and there's a possibility that through conversation you gain clarity.
Listener — a good way to approach listening is to utilize active listening. This is when you’re focused on the speaker and seeking to understand, as opposed to waiting for your turn to speak or rebut. The speaker should have your full attention and you want to show a high level of engagement.
Put away distractions and give them your whole self. If needed, seek clarification, but do this through curiosity and/or reflection — for example, “so you’re saying you’re unhappy with your job? Can you explain?” or “you’re upset with me because I shared too much with my brother, is that right?”
Two essential pieces of listening relate to acknowledgement and validation. We all have a desire to feel understood, seen and heard, especially by those closest to us. Something I tell clients a lot is that validation and acknowledgement go a long way to show support for the speaker’s lived experiences, and work to affirm their truths.
It can be difficult to validate sometimes because it might feel like we’re agreeing, but remember, what this means is that you’re expressing you hear and are making attempts to understand. That’s all.
For example, “okay, you’re saying I hurt your feelings when I made that joke the other day at work.” Or, “it was offensive to you that I made that joke in front of your dad.” These aren’t statements of agreement — maybe you don’t think the language was offensive, but they do — validate their experience and feelings.
You can discuss your intentions or provide context later in the discussion, but when we immediately go to explanation, it can make the speaker feel dismissed or that you’re arguing with their experience. We want to jump into the other person’s perspective for a moment and see it through their eyes — in order to do this, as a listener, we have to suspend some of our own feelings and thoughts.
There will be time for these later, so don’t permanently suspend them — just long enough to gain understanding through the speaker’s eyes.
“You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view... until you climb into his skin and walk around in it.” – Atticus Finch
Wrapping it all up…
You’ve expressed yourself, the listener has worked to understand your perspective and has hopefully validated it. In closing, you might express future needs, what you appreciated about the discussion or how you feel upon ending the conversation. Here are some examples:
Simple appreciation…
“I really appreciate you taking the time to listen and talk this through, thank you!” or “This was so nice, I am happy you were available to walk me through this, thanks!”
Expressing needs…
“Next time, can we talk over what we’re going to share about the divorce before we leave for the party?” or “If you have busier than usual weeks, can you give me a heads up so I can plan accordingly?” or “If you’re running late, can you send me a quick message with an ETA?”
Exit feelings…
“I feel a lot better after having talked this out with you. I was unsure I should even share, but I feel a sense of relief now that you know how I’m feeling.” or “I’m feeling more connected to you now that we’ve talked about this. Thank you for being open!”
A quick note about conflict
There is a whole lot to say about conflict, so I’ll write about that separately sometime, but conflict is inevitable in just about all relationships. Even when we begin a conversation or discussion gently and do everything “right,” it can still lead to conflict. Conflict isn’t inherently bad, but it’s also not necessarily good, even if it’s normal!
How we manage conflict is often a better indicator to observe when analyzing relationships, rather than if conflict occurs at all.
I’ll say this in closing, if the conversation moves toward conflict, acknowledge it and utilize a strategy, such as a break — “we’re getting off track here and I can see we are both elevated. Maybe we need to take a break and talk later.” or “I’m getting frustrated and if we continue this, I’m not sure I trust that I won’t end up angry. Can we discuss this a little later?”
The important thing to remember is that if you choose to take a break, you must come back to the discussion at a later date. When we don’t do this, it turns into the proverbial “shoving it under the rug”, and boy do those rugs become something to trip over later!
This doesn’t cover everything — conversations, especially difficult or vulnerable ones, are complex and full of nuance. Still, these are the starting points I often return to with clients. Think of them as basic principles.
I hope something here helps you transform a future conversation into a moment of connection rather than conflict or disconnection.
Until next time…
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Sources:
Carrere, S., and Gottman, J.M., (1999). Predicting Divorce among Newlyweds from the First Three Minutes of a Marital Conflict Discussion, Family Process, Vol. 38(3), 293-301
Very interesting view
Thank you 🙏
Some great tools in here. Thank you.